Rearranging furniture, new hair color, another tattoo, an interesting conversation with a new person who changes my thoughts a bit, a better lens, new (thrifted, of course) clothes that have me donating the older clothes that I don’t love anymore…ya know y’all, those are some of changes I love. (Oh. An increase in my typically stagnant bank account could also be added to that list.) Change by choice, is a welcomed part of life for me.

Job searching, schedule changes, living changes, relationship changes–just big, uninvited (typically forced), life changes–I hate ’em. I don’t get excited; I get scared; I feel dread. The mere thought of moving into the change phase, even months before the actual change phase begins, is enough to send me into anxiety ridden panic. I know I’m not abnormal with this, my logical side reminds me of that constantly. I can usually talk myself down from the perch of panic by working to gain control over the situation–but, somedays, when all of the outside flickering in my life is too distracting, it’s a tough feat to accomplish. Focusing on a singular beam in the center, becomes nearly impossible for me when the lights are blinking everywhere. (Side note, I love blinking lights. They light me up in all the ways. Hell, I even invite blinking lights in–I especially welcome them when I should be focusing on that one beam only. I totally recognize this as a thing I do. It prevents me from focusing, so if I fall apart it’s because of all of the blinking lights, and isn’t my fault, right? Ultimately though, it’s that one beam that guides me and keeps me grounded. It all comes down to me, always.)

So, here I am, moving to get back into the work force. This was always the plan, though now the timeline has been jolted by the shock of necessity. After years of part time jobs, which fell neatly into the cracks of me being primarily being home with kiddos, and after years of freelance work–the jolt of necessity is sending me back into a world that others haven’t left. It’s sending me into a world that’s been turned upside down by pandemic. It’s sending me into a race that others never quit running–one that I started running, and then went back to the start line to hang out on for awhile. (Don’t get me wrong–I HAVE been running too. I’ve been running my ass off, more so than anyone I know who goes to, and from, work everyday. My day never ends. I don’t get to clock out or take a day off. But ALL of the things I do in the home, just don’t translate well to the resume. In the actual job market–all I’ve done is hold a few part-time jobs over the years. Oh, and I can make pretty pictures. That’s about it. It’s tough to get something that consistently pays bills with a resume like that.)

I think I’m mostly living in that anxiety ridden, panic filled mode these days. Nothing feels easy enough to not have to think a ton about (and the things that did, were just a bunch of blinky light lies–just distractions). The job thing though, well, I think that’s where my ticket to calm resides. I really feel like control over so many other things can be found there too. So, it’s a big deal…but, I don’t know if I have the tools I need to deal with that big deal? It’s just a lot. And, again, logically I know I’m not alone with this. I’m not the only one in this position ever. I know, and that both calms me (and panics me more). I live spiraling in thoughts like these. Anxiety, panic, logic, calm, distractions, anxiety, panic, logic, calm, distractions, etc. My goal is to replace the distractions with plans. My current plan is to start with my LinkdIn, and maybe Twitter. (Twitter and I have a love/hate thing going on.) I DO do a LOT in my actual jobs–so, showcasing what I’m doing weekly, feels important to me. Within a couple of months, as I hit that interview scene hard, it will be great to have current work examples to easily browse through. I am also updating my resume with all of the things I can–my work experience, in the home, is something I’m proud as hell of. I would love to showcase that simply, and effectively. I’m also, ew, networking. This is my weakness. I am horrible at small talk, I never want anyone to ever feel like I’m only talking to them because of what they might have to offer, or who they could know. I’m also awkward. And, the last part of my plan–I’m gonna write through this a bit here. I’ve got freelance work on my plate which is fun to blog about, and I’ve got things I’m doing that I’d love to highlight a bit. Blogs feel like such a subtle way to network, stay relevant in my field (creative), and definitely communicate more effectively than small talk.

Okay. That was a lot. In the background, as I write, I hear the Spongebob moving coming to its dramatic end. I know my time is limited here. I have one kid home sick, so I need to check his temp again, make sure he’s cozy and that his needs are met. (So far today, it’s all about the toast, fluffy blankets and popsicles.) I have another kid who is anything BUT sick–he did actually sit and watch a movie though (his energy doesn’t typically allow for that). I am SURE he’ll be ready to get up and play. I have some alphabet work I’ll be doing with him, as he jumps on the little trampoline. I also know he wants to set up places to race cars–so, I think I’ll head to the garage to find some scrap wood to make into ramps. I’ll come back to proof read this at lunch, or maybe after bedtime, or maybe I’ll just skip the proofread because time got tight. (I currently have six other drafts I said I’d come back to proof but never did, nor did I ever post.) For now though…I’m off to get into the real work of the day. (While trying to suppress the panic, and anxiety, I feel about the ‘other’ real work.)