Just a Messy Mixed Tape of a Mind

I’m going to zip through a random dumping of thoughts here. Brace yourselves. 🙂

Some days, these days are so amazing; and, sometimes, these days are SO tough. I haven’t been able to make a lot of sense out of why it’s like that, since it’s not like much is changing right now. But, then I remember–everything is changing, and everyone has changed (to a certain extent). Then, I am comforted thinking this won’t go on forever, and then I get sad thinking we’ll all just go back to ‘normal’ and we won’t all be together like this anymore. Some days, I feel like I can handle everything, and I’ve got it all under control. Other days, I can’t complete a single task, I feel behind, and overwhelmed.

My mind swirls through thoughts like this over, and over, and over, throughout the day. I am so annoyed with myself. I do know that when my brain gets stuck in a cycle like this, the only way I can move it forward is to find solid logic within my messy, abstract, flustered thoughts. When my brain gets stuck, I will think the same thoughts on repeat–each repeated thought is like another track on a mix tape running through my head. A tape that I didn’t press play on, and a tape that takes a long time to figure out how to press pause on. It’s been on for weeks now. Today though…logic started to take over. That’s where I find the pause button–in the logic, my inner-Spock, as I call it. When those concrete thoughts start to get louder than all the other stuff–that’s when I know I can fix things, because I can see the root of the problem.

Right now, my problem is not a unique one at all–but, it is real. I am overwhelmed both physically, and emotionally.

I am now working my regular two jobs, with three kids at home. Both jobs require the bulk of my time be put in at home. I never would have taken a commitment like that on, if I had been homeschooling my kids and had them home with me all the time. To have three kids at home, be in charge of everything for them, all day (including schooling), and then also trying to find the time to put in another chunk of hours for my employers, is proving itself to be a constant uphill struggle for me. There are not enough hours in the day, period. I wake up between 7 and 8 (with the kids), and go to bed between midnight and 1. I need more sleep at night–because I know it will help me regulate my thoughts more, and help me keep a clearer head–but, I need to get things done for work.

Since we’ve been at home, I’m running into the issue where every time I sit down after the kids go to bed–I am so burnt out. I can’t focus. I can’t think. I just want to watch a funny, familiar, show and zone out. So, I allow myself to do that some nights, and then I find myself even more behind the next day. I feel so comfortable, and at ease, during those evenings–yet the next day I’m a mess because I feel totally behind, and out-of-control. Those following days seem to correlate with my positive, vs negative, thought process too.

The nights when I’m productive for work, I feel great the next day. However, those are the days where, by evening, I’m extra burnt out feeling because I, literally, haven’t had a chance to ‘stop’ for so long–so, I choose to turn on the Golden Girls, chat with a friend, edit photos (that I’ve shot for fun) and just relax. The next day, I feel behind again, and out of control–so, I hunker down in the evening and try to work. It’s a terrible cycle–but, it completely explains why I’m so all over the place.

Oh! And, then there’s the fact that I’m also not sleeping enough in there–so, some nights, I just fall asleep sitting on the couch…without having had done anything. Those usually lead me into a day of being sad, and feeling like a total loser, because I didn’t do ANYTHING at all. (Despite that probably being the healthiest night for me…?) 

You see how this all goes? I’m losing my freakin’ mind. I never had the BEST balance before–but, I usually had the ability to leave on the weekend to hit up the coffee shop, and get myself back on track. I also had nap times before. (With a Kindergartner, and teen, home all day–even IF the little one takes a nap, I don’t get uninterrupted time anymore.) I only have after everyone is asleep…some nights that is early–other nights, not so much.

I have to figure out this balance, or I will stay totally unbalanced. But, at least now I know where to begin.

The other thing that is killing me lately, is actually one of my strengths. My empathy. I soak in so much of what’s going on around me–it’s like another set of eyes for me. Switching everything to online meetings is incredibly tough for me. I hate them. I could 100% do without them. Trying to connect deeper, online, is impossible for me–and, honestly? I’m sick of trying.

Keeping in mind my whole empath thing…this is the toughest one to say out loud, but it is huge for me lately–I can’t handle the emotions of my friends and acquaintances right now. (I know. I sound like the shittiest friend ever. I’m so sorry. These times are crazy though…I blame the Corona.) I have my hands so full with all of the emotions in my home, with all of my own ups and downs, with all of the extra things on my plate these days–that I just don’t care. I don’t have the mental capacity to suck in other people’s hurt/sadness/stress/drama/breakdowns/etc. (Okay, that made me sound like the shittiest friend ever. Again, I am so sorry.) This stuff though, along with my total work/life unbalance, is messing me up–the more stuff that gets added on, the more I start to wobble. 

I am happiest these days when I am totally in my own world–like almost in a meditative way. And, it’s a true happiness. I am content when I am focused. I am cozy in my home. I am in love with my family (close, and extended)–and, the second I start hearing (and consequently feeling), others freak out–I start to lose focus. I shut it down. I log out. I just want to talk about regular stuff…I mean I absolutely want to know the truth of how folks are doing–but, I can’t give advice, I can’t think too deeply about it, and I sure as hell can’t help.

I checked in with a friend the other night to see how he was doing, and he sent me a pic of where he was at the moment–smiling, and outside hiking. You guys, that normalcy brought immediate tears to my eyes. It felt amazing. I told myself that I plan to keep posting ‘normal’ stuff too…I am so sick of all the extra baggage that is coming with this damn virus.

Anyway, I’ll probably regret writing this blog–work sucks (I’m so sorry bosses. It’s me, not you. I love you all.) And, friends suck. (Again, it’s totally me. Not you. You’re amazing, and kind, and I love you all.) But, if I want to jump off this emotional roller coaster (the same one I never asked to get on)–I just gotta do it. And, I have to think it out, and write it out, and try to make it all make sense so I can move forward. So, that’s what I’m doing here. (Also, I am sorry if you’ve read this and felt offended. You’re dealing with things your way, and I’m in my own way. Is there a right way, or a wrong way, to work through things–or, is there just ‘working through things’? Either way, we’re all in this together? And, maybe this is all just my Slytherin side hissing away–don’t know, don’t care.)

Anyway, like I mentioned in a previous blog–I’m working through a photo project right now. (Subject change.) It is amazing–I’m in love with it. Here are just a couple pics from life these days…




One Comment Add yours

  1. Don’t regret this piece. I raised three sons and worked full-time and was going to school and out of my mind most the time. Even without covid the ability to be rested and think clearly is tough with children. As my father who had 7 kids said, “ raising children was 20 minutes in his lifetime.” A hang in there. This too shall pass🦋


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