It’s taken me an hour to get this blog started–it’s 9:45, so, I doubt I’ll finish it tonight anymore either. There have been multiple interruptions–the big kid has a huge, upcoming, speech to give and needed to talk out a few things, mostly the nerves; the little kid needed to potty, and then poop, and then fight going to bed. Erik’s been on the phone with his parents and I’ve been here, in bed, trying to come up with a single, non-interrupted, thought–so, an hour later…I begin my blog.
Honestly, the above paragraph pretty much sums up my life lately and I can’t stop thinking about that. My work/life balance has been thrown out of whack so badly lately and, once again, I didn’t get advance notice, yet I need to find a way to quickly adjust and then, gracefully, go with it. (I used to complain. Then, there would weeks of fighting on top of stress. I don’t complain anymore.) I’m sure that I’m not the only person who deals with this–but, being a freelancer, being self-employed, being a mom, being a wife, and not being the bread-winner, makes me more susceptible than most though, I imagine..? Bottom line, my husband’s schedule dramatically shifted again; therefor, so did mine. It’s not going back to what I had grown accustomed to anytime soon, and it’s going to keep changing, for awhile, before it gets back to anything ‘normal’.
I’m not getting into the relationship side of this, nor will I expand on any of the schedule changes and the feelings surrounding them–I’m coming at this strictly from someone trying to grow on the personal, professional, level. Basically, my husband went from being out of the home for roughly 24 hours per week, to being out of the house for, roughly, 48 hours per week. I went from having the ability to squeeze in a couple of extra emails, return a few phone calls and finish an article I was reading, while still having my nap time, and night time, work time–to, now having strictly naps and nights. Well, my nap times are getting less and less, and…it’s 10:07 and I’m still parenting, since the toddler still refuses to sleep. (According to him, he ‘no needs sleep.’)
I went from signing up for extended, online, learning and being excited to change my website and a few business things in the beginning of this month–to, instead, being ‘on’ as a parent from 7:00 am to whenever-the-kids-are-asleep, at the end of this month. I went from feeling like I had a great balance, and growing what I do, while being a stay-at-home mom, to strictly being stay-at-home mom with a few, prior, work obligations. I never got the choice, I don’t get anything extra out of it, I don’t have the ability to change it, and it’s a tough transition to simply ‘make’. My husband and I, for as liberal as we are, are quite old-fashioned–daycare isn’t an option…so, I get a little stuck. Which is, exactly, where I’m at right now. Stuck.
For weeks now, I’ve been so stressed trying to make extra time in my day to do everything that I had been doing. I can’t though. Like, I really, honestly, can’t. There are only so many hours and my priorities can’t be everywhere. Stressing, and being short with my family because I can’t get to posting on social media, or because I wasn’t able to reach out to new clients, or because I couldn’t get out on the ‘for fun’ shoot, or because I missed the deadline for a contest, or because I didn’t get my resume out in time, or because I can’t get to updating my website, or for whatever other reason, isn’t what anyone needs from me right now. These were all of the little 15 minute here, and there, things that have been squeezed out. When Erik worked from home–he didn’t take lunch breaks. Getting up from his office, hanging out with the toddler, and grabbing a snack, for a few chunks of time throughout the day, was his break time. Now, I have a toddler and teenage girl, alone, for twelve hour days–my brain never gets to rest, or think too deeply about anything else.
I guess this is where I throw in the career towel, for now, and enjoy taking photos of the everyday stuff. This is when I go backwards a few steps and hope that someday, when I do get a chance to get back to changing business things and trying to actively grow, that the world hasn’t passed me up too much. This is also where I tell you to brace yourself for my blogs of the future which will, obviously, contain many more photos of my kids. And, my house. And, food. And, crafts. Lots, and lots, of crafts…
(Also…it’s 11:02. I totally powered through this bad boy tonight. Between not wanting to revisit these thoughts again, and my desire to finish the episode of Ancient Aliens I was watching–the motivation to finish was high.)