Let me start this blog by saying…I hate this blog.  I hate my website.  I hate my postings on Social Media.  (What a way to start, huh?)  My first grade teacher would say that I just ‘strongly dislike’ these things…and, she would have asked me what it is about them that I strongly dislike.  My first response to that question would have been…everything.  I, freakin’ hate, everything.  (And, I’d probably stomp my foot, and cross my arms over my chest, too.)  Translating that into real, adult, life…I’ve taken breaks, I’ve deleted accounts and I’ve locked down my personal FB page to only my ‘safe’ friends and family.  Yet nothing is solving my issue of ‘hate’.  (Aka: Strongly dislike.)

Bottom line, none of those things are actually solving anything because they aren’t really the issue–they’ve been attempts at quick fixes.  The truth?  I am paralyzed in my own mind.  I am stuck.  My confidence, and self-esteem, has been so crippled within the past few years.  My creativity is there…but, sharing anything feels so painfully vulnerable, that I’ve just quit.  Half the time, when I do share, I’ve had a glass of wine, and my inhibitions are down.  The next day, I wake up and it’s the first thing I think about–I, literally, have morning after guilt for posting anything, anywhere.  I’ve deleted countless posts for this reason.  I imagine I’m posting, and I know just what I’m going to say, and I tell myself I will post tomorrow.  I don’t though.  So, I tell myself I’ll post once during the upcoming week, and I can’t.  So, I go onto the next week.  Sometimes, I just post, and I don’t think, and it’s okay.  However, posting w/o thought makes my stuff suck.  Most of the time–I can’t make myself do it though.  In my head, I blog and post clever, witty, funny, confident photos, stories and comments all over the web–in reality, none of it actually gets out there.  It gets stuck somewhere between my head and fingers.  I’m semi-decent on my personal FB page…but, even that has waned terribly, and I really only share the bulk of my stuff with, like, 20 people.  When so much of what I do is visual, and so much of my professional/career reputation is established online–I know the benefit of being ‘out there’, and relevant, and searchable, and current–and I know that that’s the only way I’m going to get to where I want to be in my career.  However, even knowing all of that…I just can’t do it.

The only exception to this is for work.  My job keeps me photographing every week and it forces me to post on social media, and to blog, and to update websites.  Posting for them seems easy.  So, with that in mind, I started looking for some personal ‘challenges’.  You know, those silly things the kids on Instagram do–the topics are all there, you just take your pics, or whatever.  I seem to work best when I have guidance lately (like with my work postings)–or, someone telling me what to do.  I’m not into the ‘Nail’ or ‘Outfit’ challenges, or the ones that make me take photos of stupid things; I mean, sorry, but I have many ‘crushes’, and couldn’t possibly photograph them all. 😉  So, I found a couple that I could see me actually doing.  I found both photography and blog challenges…but, I decided to go with this one.  (Pictured below.)  I can visualize the possibility for both words and visuals and, it’s doable.  It doesn’t require me to stray far from home–which is something else that is really difficult for me, lately.  I have several other photo and blog challenges ready to go after this one–and, though I may not complete them from start-to-finish, I, at least, need them as guidance.  This is the first time that I’ve felt even a shred of excitement and confidence in my postings…so, we’ll see what happens.  It’s a start, at least.