Okay.  So, this blog isn’t going to be as heavy on the photography side, as it will be on the business side.  (That is, assuming I don’t totally freak out and veer off into a million other directions–like I’ve been known to do, a time, or two. 🙂 )  Bottom line, the GOAL of this blog is to talk about a few business struggles I’m having in hopes of, magically, rectifying it all.  (Or, more realistically, to just vent about it all.)

So…let’s start here…this past weekend I did something so stupid that I’m still annoyed with myself over it.  I logged into my old blog.  Like…my OLD, old blog.  Like…the one I started in the mid 2000’s and the same one that, over 550 blog posts later, lead me through some of my most dramatic (and drunkest) times in my life.  A few things became ridiculously apparent while I spent my Sunday sifting through that heap of crap: A) Writing, and taking photos, for ONLY yourself is the way to go.  I was so much more creative, and funny, when I didn’t have an audience.  I didn’t care about how I ‘looked’.  Ironically, through doing all of that–I got an audience.   I’m not sure what to make of that yet.  B) I am really excited to finish losing this extra weight so I can eat, and drink, like crap again.  My Lord…cake and a coke for breakfast and wine for dinner…those were the good days.  (Don’t even bother pointing out the flaw in that entire statement.  I know.  I get it.)  C)  Friends come and go.  Period.  And, they’re meant to be where they are for a reason.  And then, they are probably meant to stay there–even if you’re missing them now.  Out of the few best friends I frequently mentioned, ONE is still there.  He’s tried, true and is unconditional as all hell.  (Even though when he calls he doesn’t use my name anymore, and, instead, just says, ‘Hey Crazy!’  We’re working on that.)  And D, the biggest one):  It was painfully apparent that, as much as things change…everything stays the same.  I, literally, copied and pasted two of my blogs to post here on a later date–I could have written them today.  In fact, while feeling lazy someday, I’ll probably claim to have just written them.   This one was huge for me.  The older you get, the more ‘spit and polished’ you tend to become…but that’s about it.  When you’re your own business–you kind of have to remember that you are your reputation everywhere you go.  You have a break down–so does your business.  You have a, temporary, lapse on judgement, so does your business.  You decide to drunkenly order ‘Muffin Top’ cupcake molds and then boast about it all over social media…so does your business.  (Uhhhh…)

Anyway, so, zip forward to today.  I’m not just a goofy little, internet blogger who likes to take photos, and then post them, and then ramble on about nothingness anymore.  (sigh)  I’m a business now.  snaps suspenders (double sigh)

Here’s where I pull that whole, above written mess, into context with what will soon be known as my ‘below written mess’…I’m not just a business…I’m SO much more than that.  I’m the mom of a pre-teen girl, and a 1.5 year old boy.  I’m a partner to someone who is gone for 12-14 hours a day.  I’m a homeowner to a house that has issues.  I’m a daughter to a dad who is quite dependent on me at this stage in life.  I’m an employee, a friend and a volunteer.  I have no inspiration anymore to fulfill my own, personal, creativity and I’m scared to death that my creativity will just, go away…like, poof.  Like, muscles that aren’t being worked out.  And, through all of this, I have insurmountable pressure on me to be more, and stay creative, or lose it all.  My entire business has been, and is being built, during the little one’s nap time and after his bedtime.  (Oh…and my thinking time is in the shower and when the little guy gets up in the middle of the night.  That’s definitely changed from my oldie blog…I shower much more these days.)  I often wonder where I would be with 40 hours a week, adults to collaborate with, alone time to think in the car, and peace and mind about everything being okay at home.  Instead, here I am, struggling with daily pressure to make more, do more, and make it all go faster.  I’m totally one of those people who believes in blooming where I’m planted.  Lately though, I can’t help but wonder if maybe I need to be transplanted?  (I don’t know what that means either, fully.  It’s a broad, abstract, sorta thought.)  See what I mean?  Things change = things stay the same.  I’ve said this all before.  I’m much more spit and polished now, a little soberer, and a ton wiser (hah)…but, yeah.  It’s all, kinda, the same.

The one thing I have this time through this is comfort in a thought that was given to me a long time ago–back in the days of the old time blog.  It’s to, simply, see your end goal.  Like…really SEE it.  And, know that everything you do now…is to get to that spot.  There isn’t any other option, or way…it’s just to see that end, to focus on it, and to believe in it–the rest just, kinda, falls into place.  I find so much solace, power, and contentment in that thought–it, single-handedly, keeps me moving these days.  Obviously, I know I’m going to get to my end goal.  (I haven’t given myself a plan B actually, so I better…)  I just wish I could speed it up a bit and had a little more inspiration along the way…

I feel like all of us creative types go through this.  Especially women, and especially when you’re a parent.  I guess I just wanted to throw all of this out there.  Photography, and photographers, tend to show off the pretty side of life in both words, and pictures…it’s not all like that though, all the time.  Wouldn’t it be nice if it was though?  Stuff gets messy…old blogs get read…muffin tops get ordered… 🙂